Here Comes The Bride....

.... or at least she did 8 weeks ago! 
No idea where the time has gone. But 8 weeks ago today I had been married for 5 hours 38 minutes. 

So think it's high time I got back into the ol' blogosphere and gave an all important wedding update! Well, important to me at least! 

I'm now a Mrs. I did it. I walked the plank. I made my dreams a reality. However you want to look at it. It happened. I married my best friend and had the most amazing day of my life! I'm extremely happy & loved up! 

Wedding update over. 
Nahhhhh, just kidding!! Would I really do something that short?! Don't be simple. My middle name starts with R. R for ramble. 

As most brides say 'it was the most wonderful day of my life', but it truly was. For starters I was unbelievably jammy with the weather. Or so my dear Mother so nicely exclaimed. 
The week prior to the big day it was cloudy and rainy, and the Saturday was looking like cloud & sun, and Sunday was reporting as 'cloudy'. Which was fine for me. As long as it stayed dry I was a happy bunny. That's all I wanted. So boy was I surprised when I looked out the window Sunday morning to see bright blue skies, beaming sunshine, absolutely beautiful. Grannypants truly was looking down on us today! 

I awoke at around 6.15am with the maid of honour. All calm & chilled, and very excited! We had our showers and then went to meet Dad with the key to the bridal suite for us to move into to get ready. Hairdresser arrived at around 7.30am & then it began.

It all kicked off with the mother. Then my maid of honour, then my bridesmaid & flower girl when they arrived later on. That's when the waterworks hit. From my bridesmaid. 
Me? I was sat on the sofa all morning, cool as a cucumber. Noone could believe or understand how calm I was! What was there to stress about? Pampering morning, shining sun, nothing to do for 2 hours! Bliss.

Then it was my turn. My hair first. That went fine. My stomach started to churn a smidge, and those pesky butterflies started to appear. It slowly passed.
Then it was my make up. My stomach started backflipping all over the place but with a serene calm look upon my face. 
As I went into the bathroom to put my dress on. Thats when it struck. Oh wow. Stomach knots, butterflies, backflips, all in one. 
It wasn't until I had done my interview and walked back round to meet the wedding party before the entrance that it truly hit. I looked over at my Mom and Maid of Honour & the emotions & waterworks began! 
The processional began. I followed with my Dad, gripping tight for what seemed like forever. Straight down the aisle - a little too fast if the video is anything to go by, but hey ho!
It was so overwhelming and emotional, the whole ceremony was a blur, now I know most brides say this, but mine truly was, my vision was blurred the whole time from holding back the tears! Whilst bearing the biggest smile I've ever had before! No wonder my cheeks hurt by the evening! 

Ceremony over, reception & photo time in the lovely gardens, sun shining, everyone chatting, everyone happy. Even being attacked by my dear darling cousin & a box of confetti could not wipe the grin off of mine and my HUSBAND(!!!!)'s faces! 

The room looked beautiful for the wedding breakfast. All my hard work felt like it truly was being paid off! All my secret Mickey's worked wonderfully throughout the day! 
The Grooms speech was beautiful, some lovely worlds about my girls and his new wife(!!!!). Ah shucks!! 

The evening reception room was also laid out beautifully. Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves. Especially with the photo booth. This was a last minute extra, and boy was it worth it!!! We knew people would like it but we couldn't believe how successful it was. We got a copy of everyone's pictures placed into a Guest Book which was such a lovely keepsake! 

Our cake, well, what can I say. 

White Chocolate Sponge with white chocolate chunks & white chocolate buttercream.
Dark & White Fudge Sponge with fudge pieces & vanilla buttercream and Cadbury's Fudge shavings.
Sticky Toffee Sponge with toffee chunks & vanilla buttercream and toffee sauce. 
Yum. 
Some left in the freezer if anyone fancies a lick. 

The dance floor was never empty, which was my biggest worry. Even if at times it was only 2 or 3 of the children dancing away, it was never empty! Chris even got a few of his MJ moves in with his friends! Oh how proud I am!

It really was such a magical day, with close friends and family.
There were so many who couldn't share in our special day with us, but we know that somewhere, somehow they were all looking down on us, smiles across their faces, so very proud of us. 
A day never to be forgotten with so many lovely memories made. 

Maybe dreams do come true after all! 

Coo Eee... Over Here... I'm Back!!!

Cannot believe the last time I wrote on here. 
Have you missed me? 

For the record. No idea who 'you' are, but thank 'you' for sticking around & reading my ramblings! 

6th May. 20 days before our big day. 
It is now 55 days SINCE our big day. 
I am now a Mrs. I am also now 25. I'm all growed up. 

Or am I? Our Honeymoon included a week in Walt Disney World, my birthday involved a cinema trip to see Monsters University, I'm obsessed with the minions from Despicable Me, & cannot wait to book our next trip to Disneyland. 

Grown up, mature & sophisticated I am! Oh really?! 

For one moment I shall be. The moment I fill you in on the most amazing day ever. The day I married my best friend, my soul mate, my one & only, the love of my life....
*pass the sick bucket*
Honestly though, it was truly magical! 
It was an absolutely beautiful day, and that's not just going on the weather aspect.
But that mature moment isn't for now. It will come in time. 
When it decides. 

For now this is just a quick one to say I am back. 
So....

I am back. 

The new and improved Mrs. Well new name. Not so much improved I don't think. 

For now I shall love you and leave you. 

I Realise, I Know, Do I accept?

There is a huge difference between realisation, knowledge and acceptance.

I realise and know that my other half loves me for who I am. He loved me 2.5 years ago when I was 5 stone heavier. He loves me now, all 70lb lighter.

I realise and know that my friends love and care for me. Now and before.

I realise and know that my parents love me for who & what I am.  Not only that, but for who I was before.

I realise and know how proud they all are of what I have achieved so far.

BUT accepting that is a completely different story.

I know I don’t look good in a bikini.

I know I don’t look good in hot pants.

I know I don’t have a washboard stomach. No, I never want to.

I know I beat myself up if I’ve had a bad week with WW.

I know its wrong when I get sucked into the 3 for £1.20 offer on chocolates at Tesco.

I know all this stuff. I realise it.

That goes without saying.

I have my good days, I have my bad days. Weight Watchers isn’t easy for me. I go to my meetings and I hear these amazing weight loss stories, I hear about people losing 4-5lb in a week, or that they’ve upped their exercise and finally got to goal after losing 14lb. Me I’m 70lb in and still going. Not quite to goal yet. Sometimes it can be a bit disheartening when you hear a fellow member reached goal after 21lb and your still not there. You are so happy for them, as you know how hard it is and you are proud for what they have achieved, but at the same time, why not me?

It’s because I have my bad days. I let them take over; it then becomes a bad week. Low and behold you’ve put on this week Lou. Great. So I go and suffer in silence and stuff my face silly. It’s a vicious cycle, that even after 2 years; I have not learnt to stray away from.

But I know how far I’ve come, and this goes to show that the bad days don’t always win. And won’t always win.

It may take me another year to lose my final 7lb and get to my goal of 5.5stone loss. But it will happen. One day.

In my first year, I took WW my storm and did everything properly, I ate and tracked correctly and lost 50lb. I took each week at a time and if I lost then yippee, if I stayed the same that’s ok, if I gained, I looked at what I had done and changed it for the better.

In my second year, it became all about goals and targets and looking too far ahead. I lost 20lb. Yes I was smaller, so I would lose less anyway, but I spent that year on a you yo diet. I set myself my goal weight and to achieve it by Christmas. I put on weight. I didn’t achieve my goal.

In January 2013 I set myself targets and to be at goal by the wedding.

By April, I had 5lb to go. With 6 weeks, this was more than achievable.

I did the 5lb.

I did the 5lb the wrong way.  I am now 11lb off goal. So further away than 2 months ago.

It's taken until May 2013 to realise that in the last 18 months I have been so target orientated and focused on dieting I have completely messed up my weight loss journey.

Its not a bridal diet, it’s exactly that... A weight loss journey.

I have spent so much time and stress on this that I have done the complete opposite, I’ve retaliated. At every available opportunity I have gone out my way to eat something ‘wrong’. Yes with WW you don’t deprive yourself of anything and can have treats if you want but this wasn’t a treat. This was a full on retaliation.

I would then sit there and beat myself up over it, why do it to myself? You are so close to goal why risk it now?

And again, the pressure and stress on myself and these ‘targets’ would take over.

To most, they are achievable targets, I know that. I could of done it if I had just stopped, taken a breath and calmly given myself a pep talk.

I accepted last week I was not going to get to goal for the wedding. Yes it would have been nice but again I repeat it isn’t a bridal diet.

I accepted that I messed it up; I made things twice as difficult on myself.

I accepted that I have spent the last 18 months doing the complete opposite to what I should of done.

It took me an extremely long time to admit that I needed to do something about my weight. At the end of 2010 I made the biggest decision of my life. To walk through those WW doors. It sounds silly but it was the most horrific feeling ever, what if everyone stares, what if everyone judges me, you name it, I felt it.

The same thing happened when I finally plucked up the courage to walk into my first bridal shop. Dread, hate, scared, nothing positive about what is meant to be one of the most amazing experiences ever.

Yes since the start of 2013 I haven’t done so well but overall,

I know I have done well. This speaks volumes. These were way to snug and way to tight 2 years ago.

Whenever you have a bad day, it may not be saying what you want on those scales, but it isn’t always about the number written down. It is also about the achievements you make elsewhere. A pair of jeans that fall down, a dress that now does up, a before and after picture, inch loss with a tape measure. All these things count along the way, yet they seem to get forgotten.

So I walked in to the room and showed my other half the jeans. His face, priceless. I said I wore these to our first date. He didn’t believe me, for the first time he was speechless.

He always said he didn’t think I was big when we first started dating. He always thought I was beautiful and always knew he wanted to marry me.

Then I realised.

I already knew someone loved me for me, big or small, but at the same time it finally hit me that he wants to marry me. He wants to be with me. Louise Goodman. The oompa loompa and not the not so oompa loompa.

Why?!

He is there every Wednesday with a text saying,

‘Good luck tonight babe, just remember how much I love you and how proud I am of you xxx’.

Without fail. Every Wednesday before my weigh in.

There is something I have known and realised for a long time. But this is something that I am only just learning to accept.

That no matter what, I have someone there who wants to be with me, who loves me for who I am, who wants to spend his life with me. Now and before. 70lb heavier, 70lb lighter.

He wants to marry ME.

He accepted me for me. Why cant I?

It finally hit me last week; I don’t need to focus on the end result. I wont get there any quicker, in fact it will no doubt take me longer.

Teaching myself to breathe, relax and do it properly, like I used to, got me so much further than I ever thought possible, and right now, I don’t need the added stress or pressure.

I don’t need to focus to far down the line. It will happen when it happens. In its own time. It may take longer than I would of liked but I can be patient.

I don’t like myself, I don’t like my body, and I do cry over it still at times, there’s no denying that may never go away. I of all people know how hard it is to accept that people love and care for me now and even when I was bigger, and they are there to support me in the good times and the bad.

If I am happy in myself, then the weight loss journey becomes 100 x easier.

It may take an extra month or year to get there but I will in time. 

So in times of trouble and struggle, I accept that I need to sit back, take a breath and remember, there is one thing to focus on, that is more important than any squat, routine, or chocolate bar (yes I know…) someone who wants to spend his life with me, loves me for who and what I am, and gives me endless support and care no matter what.

I accept that bikinis and shorts are a no no for me, despite how far I’ve come.

I accept that I look slightly better in pictures.

I accept that I delete fewer pictures than I used to.

I accept that I still have plenty of bad days, and that will never go away.

I accept I will get there in time.

This is a continuous weight loss journey that has many twists & turns, but getting back on that wagon is just as hard every time. I can do it. I will do it.

This was never a bridal diet; it isn’t going to end in 20 days time.

The jeans I wear right now will join the other pair in a box some day. When they are ready.

When I am ready.

                                              

This blog may have been all love and weight loss but in anything you may stumble across in your lifetime, never forget every single one of us is beautiful in our own way and we wouldn’t be here today without the love and support of our close ones. We all have tough days, we all have down days, but we all have many days to be proud of ourselves for.