This is clear.
Today is A-Level Results day, which is a happy day for so many young and bright individuals, finding out they've got into their first choice universities, beginning the path down Freedom Lane, Freshers Square, Social Alley, Drinking Drive, working hard towards a degree, many new future Doctors, Dentists, Accountants, Solicitors, CSI investigators... great news and congratulations one and all. I do truly mean that, despite the way it may seem to be coming across. Genuine congratulations.
However this also means that a new Academic year is right around the corner, meaning... plenty more unemployed graduates seeking employment. Many more people fumbling down Jobless Street, Inexperienced Avenue, Rejection Road. More applications to all the jobs that I can apply for. Making my search twice as hard as it already was.
I'm not saying I am more superior or more of a priority than any of the other 253,121* unemployed people within the West Midlands. I am clearly stating that it will indeed become that little bit more difficult.
So whilst I am struggling with this I need to put my focus on something else.
Something that I can achieve. Something that I can do. I can't get a job, I can't magic up money, I so wish I could but alas I cannot, I can't bring World Peace etc. But I can do this.
We all know I have been struggling to get back onto the WW wagon since the Big Day. I am no longer 6.5lb away from my goal, I am more like 24.5lb away. But this is ok.
I spent the last 2 years focusing so hard on achieving my goal that I let it take over and become so controlling that in fact it had a negative impact. After a long think this weekend it truly dawned on me that I have let the plan control my every move in such a way that only rebelling was the key. I always took one step forward, five steps back. It got myself nowhere, and got myself feeling very low & unhappy. But not anymore.
I am reverting back to my original ways, the way I was when I first started. 2010. When I managed a 50lb loss in my first year. Unlike last year, with a total loss of 4lb. Yes 4lb in 12 months. It is still an achievement and I have still come along way since November 2010 but still. This is going to change. To change, to focus on it day by day, not week or month, not target driven to my next goal. Let the goals come to me.
I signed up to become a monthly member at my local leisure centre with my Sister in Law. I found a few classes I enjoy and will start doing these on a weekly basis, some weeks I'll partake in more classes than other weeks. But I will not turn it into a MUST, but a WANT. If I don't feel up to the class on the Sunday morning then I won't go, if I go to a class and I mess up a move, then laugh it off, I am not letting it become so serious and controlling, else I'll give up. I don't want to give up anymore.
I am not a gym bunny, never have been and never will be. I go with my head held high, I do the classes, if I mess up then I join back in, if I feel its getting to much I slow it down rather than standing on the sidelines and watching. I leave knowing I have done an hours worth of exercise better than last week, and I leave looking like a beetroot. But it will be worth it.
I can't control much but I can control getting to my goal and becoming the Not So Skinny (but slimmer) Minnie that I have always wanted to be. I will achieve this.
I know when that day comes I won't be truly happy and as most other women will always have this underlying dysmorphia around how I see myself but I will be able to focus on the positives and see how far I have come and knowing that, will get me through the down days.
So bring it on Body Attack, Steps, Legs Bums & Tums, Aquafit, and whatever else I find amongst my way.
I may not be able to control and sort out the other annoying rubbish going on in my life right now, it would definitely be so much easier if I could I can assure you BUT one way or another this I will sort out.
If someone wants to offer me a job along the way... well, I wouldn't complain.
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*as of January - March 2013 reported in the Birmingham Mail