There is a huge difference between
realisation, knowledge and acceptance.
I realise and know that my other half loves
me for who I am. He loved me 2.5 years ago when I was 5 stone heavier. He loves
me now, all 70lb lighter.
I realise and know that my friends love and
care for me. Now and before.
I realise and know that my parents love me
for who & what I am. Not only that,
but for who I was before.
I realise and know how proud they all are
of what I have achieved so far.
BUT accepting that is a completely
different story.
I know I don’t look good in a bikini.
I know I don’t look good in hot pants.
I know I don’t have a washboard stomach.
No, I never want to.
I know I beat myself up if I’ve had a bad
week with WW.
I know its wrong when I get sucked into the
3 for £1.20 offer on chocolates at Tesco.
I know all this stuff. I realise it.
That goes without saying.
I have my good days, I have my bad days.
Weight Watchers isn’t easy for me. I go to my meetings and I hear these amazing
weight loss stories, I hear about people losing 4-5lb in a week, or that
they’ve upped their exercise and finally got to goal after losing 14lb. Me I’m
70lb in and still going. Not quite to goal yet. Sometimes it can be a bit
disheartening when you hear a fellow member reached goal after 21lb and your
still not there. You are so happy for them, as you know how hard it is and you
are proud for what they have achieved, but at the same time, why not me?
It’s because I have my bad days. I let them
take over; it then becomes a bad week. Low and behold you’ve put on this week
Lou. Great. So I go and suffer in silence and stuff my face silly. It’s a
vicious cycle, that even after 2 years; I have not learnt to stray away from.
But I know how far I’ve come, and this goes
to show that the bad days don’t always win. And won’t always win.
It may take me another year to lose my
final 7lb and get to my goal of 5.5stone loss. But it will happen. One day.
In my first year, I took WW my storm and
did everything properly, I ate and tracked correctly and lost 50lb. I took each
week at a time and if I lost then yippee, if I stayed the same that’s ok, if I
gained, I looked at what I had done and changed it for the better.
In my second year, it became all about
goals and targets and looking too far ahead. I lost 20lb. Yes I was smaller, so
I would lose less anyway, but I spent that year on a you yo diet. I set myself
my goal weight and to achieve it by Christmas. I put on weight. I didn’t
achieve my goal.
In January 2013 I set myself targets and to
be at goal by the wedding.
By April, I had 5lb to go. With 6 weeks,
this was more than achievable.
I did the 5lb.
I did the 5lb the wrong way. I am now 11lb off goal. So further away than 2
months ago.
It's taken until May 2013 to realise that in
the last 18 months I have been so target orientated and focused on dieting I
have completely messed up my weight loss journey.
Its not a bridal diet, it’s exactly that... A weight loss journey.
I have spent so much time and stress on
this that I have done the complete opposite, I’ve retaliated. At every
available opportunity I have gone out my way to eat something ‘wrong’. Yes with
WW you don’t deprive yourself of anything and can have treats if you want but
this wasn’t a treat. This was a full on retaliation.
I would then sit there and beat myself up
over it, why do it to myself? You are so close to goal why risk it now?
And again, the pressure and stress on
myself and these ‘targets’ would take over.
To most, they are achievable targets, I
know that. I could of done it if I had just stopped, taken a breath and calmly
given myself a pep talk.
I accepted last week I was not going to get
to goal for the wedding. Yes it would have been nice but again I repeat it
isn’t a bridal diet.
I accepted that I messed it up; I made
things twice as difficult on myself.
I accepted that I have spent the last 18
months doing the complete opposite to what I should of done.
It took me an extremely long time to admit
that I needed to do something about my weight. At the end of 2010 I made the
biggest decision of my life. To walk through those WW doors. It sounds silly
but it was the most horrific feeling ever, what if everyone stares, what if
everyone judges me, you name it, I felt it.
The same thing happened when I finally
plucked up the courage to walk into my first bridal shop. Dread, hate, scared,
nothing positive about what is meant to be one of the most amazing experiences
ever.
Yes since the start of 2013 I haven’t done
so well but overall,
I know I have done well. This speaks
volumes. These were way to snug and way to tight 2 years ago.
Whenever you have a bad day, it may not be
saying what you want on those scales, but it isn’t always about the number
written down. It is also about the achievements you make elsewhere. A pair of
jeans that fall down, a dress that now does up, a before and after picture,
inch loss with a tape measure. All these things count along the way, yet they
seem to get forgotten.
So I walked in to the room and showed my other half the
jeans. His face, priceless. I said I wore these to our first date. He didn’t
believe me, for the first time he was speechless.
He always said he didn’t think I was big
when we first started dating. He always thought I was beautiful and always knew
he wanted to marry me.
Then I realised.
I already knew someone loved me for me, big
or small, but at the same time it finally hit me that he wants to marry me. He
wants to be with me. Louise Goodman. The oompa loompa and not the not so oompa
loompa.
Why?!
He is there every Wednesday with a text
saying,
‘Good luck tonight babe, just remember how
much I love you and how proud I am of you xxx’.
Without fail. Every Wednesday before my
weigh in.
There is something I have known and
realised for a long time. But this is something that I am only just learning to
accept.
That no matter what, I have someone there
who wants to be with me, who loves me for who I am, who wants to spend his life
with me. Now and before. 70lb heavier, 70lb lighter.
He wants to marry ME.
He accepted me for me. Why cant I?
It finally hit me last week; I don’t need
to focus on the end result. I wont get there any quicker, in fact it will no
doubt take me longer.
Teaching myself to breathe, relax and do it
properly, like I used to, got me so much further than I ever thought possible,
and right now, I don’t need the added stress or pressure.
I don’t need to focus to far down the line.
It will happen when it happens. In its own time. It may take longer than I
would of liked but I can be patient.
I don’t like myself, I don’t like my body, and
I do cry over it still at times, there’s no denying that may never go away. I
of all people know how hard it is to accept that people love and care for me
now and even when I was bigger, and they are there to support me in the good
times and the bad.
If I am happy in myself, then the weight
loss journey becomes 100 x easier.
It may take an extra month or year to get
there but I will in time.
So in times of trouble and struggle, I
accept that I need to sit back, take a breath and remember, there is one thing to
focus on, that is more important than any squat, routine, or chocolate bar (yes
I know…) someone who wants to spend his life with me, loves me for who and what
I am, and gives me endless support and care no matter what.
I accept that bikinis and shorts are a no
no for me, despite how far I’ve come.
I accept that I look slightly better in
pictures.
I accept that I delete fewer pictures than
I used to.
I accept that I still have plenty of bad
days, and that will never go away.
I accept I will get there in time.
This is a continuous weight loss journey
that has many twists & turns, but getting back on that wagon is just as
hard every time. I can do it. I will do it.
This was never a bridal diet; it isn’t
going to end in 20 days time.
The jeans I wear right now will join the
other pair in a box some day. When they are ready.
When I am ready.
This
blog may have been all love and weight loss but in anything you may stumble
across in your lifetime, never forget every single one of us is beautiful in our
own way and we wouldn’t be here today without the love and support of our close
ones. We all have tough days, we all have down days, but we all have many days
to be proud of ourselves for.
